I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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