i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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