What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
