I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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