I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
