Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
