Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
