need another drink. this is the easiest way
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
