I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
