my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
