Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
