I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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