My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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