There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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