____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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