Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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