true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
