could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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