i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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