I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
COCAINE IS GR8
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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