no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Ladies don't puke and tell
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
