Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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