Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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