I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
