she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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