Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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