Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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