the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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