I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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