At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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