he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
should my penis look like a turkey
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
