NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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