those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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