i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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