It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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