Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
