You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
