How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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