Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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