morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
