you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
