apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
