Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
