i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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