He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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