Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
