i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
