im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
