Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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