my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
