how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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