my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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