im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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