if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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