I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
