It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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