Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
