just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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