I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
