Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
