Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
