if only i could text you this smell
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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