guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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