I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
