the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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