the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
