It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
